Notes from The Five Love Languages

2023 August 22

The premise of this book, written by Gary Chapman, states that people understand love in five different ways, and that partners should strive to speak each other's language(s). Chapman considers that the following encompass all the ways people give and receive love: quality time, physical affection, gifts, services and compliments.

I don't want to dawdle on the concepts presented in the book. Instead, I want to compile the bits and pieces that stood out to me while reading it. If you want to find out more about the theory, or take a quiz that's meant to determine which love languages you speak, the official site is https://5lovelanguages.com.

Perhaps some of following points might be obvious, but I have always been more skilled with machines than with people. This book provided me with ideas that I could apply to my own romantic life. Loving is a skill like any other, and while theory does help, it's ultimately about experience and learning from your mistakes. Personally, it's the mistakes that have help me the most, because they come with emotional pain. Similar to a child, I need to touch fire before understanding why people do not usually touch fire, despite being vaguely aware that fire is dangerous.

• At the core of human existence, there's a need for intimacy and a need to be loved. Marriage, and in general romantic relationships, should satisfy these needs of both partners.
• There is an infatuation period, referred to as the honey moon period. It lasts on average two years after two people get together and it's where love just happens because of the novelty of the situation. Both halves of the couple obsess over one another during this time.
• After the honey moon period ends, the two lovers may become complacent with one another, and not express their love as much as before. This can lead to them feeling neglected.
• The "true" love, the one found after the honey moon period, entails sustained effort and mindful actions. The goal is to be a safe haven for your partner, to make your partner feel desired and to be interested in their well-being.
• Gratitude and compliments are an effective and easy way to show your love: "That dress fits you better than ever.", "You make an amazing curry." or "Thank you for taking out the trash, I appreciate it.". Tailor these to things that are meaningful to your partner.
• If you desire for your partner to change, or to get them to do something, encouragement is much more effective than criticism. Saying "I really liked the last time you made some apple pie, and I've been craving some recently. Do you think you could make more soon?" works a lot better for getting your belly fully of pie than "I haven't had some apple pie since our girl was born. I guess I'll have to wait until she moves out to get some more?"
• One of the goals of love is to turn your partner into the best version of themself. Not only being encouraging and supportive of their interests, but also doing things that might be unpleasant, but ultimately good for them. Doing something for your partner that's out of the ordinary for you has a powerful impact.
• If your partner is angry, you'll have much better results if you refrain from responding with anger yourself. Anger requires patience and empathy. You should understand why your partner is mad, and to apologize if you are the reason they are upset.
• Quality time is about paying full attention to one another, or partaking in an activity that engages you both in an equal amount and draws attention to one another. The result should be either fruitful conversation or enjoyment in the act of doing something together.
• Don't forget that most of the times when people complain, they want to be understood instead of given solutions. They probably thought of the solutions themselves already.
• Feelings are neither good nor bad, but just psychological reactions to happenings. Actions taken as a result of feelings are good and/or bad, instead.
• Offering a gift to someone is a physical manifestation of thinking about them.
• Everyday, you have the choice to love your partner, by showing that in ways they understand.
• The things partners criticize from one another are the things they care about the most.